So, before I go to bed tonight, I must turn off my current phone, and when I wake up in the morning, I will be able to turn on my new one. New phone, new chapter. And in light of the fact that I already lost my most of my saved texts, I figured that I should try to record the ones I remember and still have before I forget them for good. So allow me to apologize for this whole post being very self-absorbed, but I don’t want to forget everything that got me through these past two years.
Nate- Aww, I miss you. It’s hell a mile high
Zack Royle (aka Kathy)- You,re hot
Elizabeth- I just wanted to tell you that you dressing up to Twilight is just like me and handjob Bill being a ging
Amanda- Okay, well I love you and I want to be there for you still!
Nick- You’re great. Truly the best. Better than Mr. Moore: used car salesman with a 86% closing rate due to intrusive business practices.
Emily- Stephanie Irene, you are an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, stylish, strong person. Any guy who can’t see that doesn’t have a penis.
Elizabeth- dfjskjfs OMFG. SHE IS SOOO HOTT. (Referring to Emma Watson)
Kathy- Honey, you looked so beautiful today. You have an elegance and grace that isn’t cut out for high school boys, I can’t wait to meet the boy who finally has the balls to pursue you. And many other encouraging things from Kathy, reminding me how strong I am when I need it most.
Many a thing from Diane-Jo encouraging me to stay strong and to enjoy my fufilled life.
Madre- You’re my best friend sweetie, and you don’t know how lucky that makes me feel.
Parker- You’re seasoned brisket because you’re not only delicious, but also spicy. Hence the seasoned.
Melissa- His nipple piercings were infected with god knows what, and well, ginges, we all know about them.
Amanda- Just remember: YOU ARE AN ASIAN MALE.
Texts from Erika as our friendship developed.
Maisie- I’m thankful for you, Steph. You are such a strong woman with an incredibly bright future. You always bring a smile to my face. I love our gossip coffee dates :) Thank you for putting up with all my shenanigans throughout french. Theres no one else I’d rather bash mormons or hit on coffee shop workers with <3
Erika- Awwwww steph :((( Whata loser. You dont need him to explain anything. Its his loss.
Nick- I just got back from Oklahoma today, and that was the most thoughtful letter anyone’s ever given me. It was by far my favorite Christmas gift. Thank you so much Stephanie :) You’re my favorite person to discuss life with.
Semester’s over. I lived though a very stressful, very cranky week, and I have to say, overall I am pleased with how everything has panned out.
Everything started out pretty bleak. I had just finished one of the best summers of my life, and I was most definitely not ready for all that to end and bring with it the responsibility and obligations of school. It didn’t seem like it’d be too bad though, I had decent people in all of my classes, nothing with Nick, but I spent 3/4 of every day with Emma, so it was looking good. I can’t think of anyone else I would rather have all my classes with than Emma; even though we’re not best friends, she’s a very easy person to get along with, very considerate, and just as cynical and cranky as me. We made a good pair. I was pretty excited about my classes too, at the beginning. Tennis wasn’t all that great though, C-team still didn’t have a coach, but I still had Trisha and Sara, my classic tennis girls! Plus Erika and Lindsey and we were shaping up into a nice little group.
Slightly later, I was starting to feel the weight of my insecurities. Hiding it well though. Just the occasional meltdown to my mom or Kathy when someone brought up Cole. Especially when Emily would tell me about how they were talking about me and then insinuate how much better she is than me. That friendship started to fizzle.. At the same time, I started to become closer to Erika, and Aditya and I were entering one of our grand getting along phases. Talking in ‘we,’ goofing off, being honest with each other, not trying to always one-up the other. Tennis was phenomenal. MelaDee came in as coach, Trisha, Sara, Erika, Lindsey, and I (aka ‘The Bitches’) basically ruled the team. Always checking out the soccer boys or Brett. Yelling at gingers (Ginger Mason, mostly but sometimes Heath). And of course TWEEGS FOR LYF3. The soccer games were quite possibly the absolute best things ever. We yelled whatever random thing we could think of with our limited soccer knowledge (okay, it was really only me yelling). Carbing up all the time too. “I mean, we’re running a marathon tomorrow” Started going on dates with Trisha: first I surprised her with the batting cages, then she surprised me with a candlelit dinner at her house. Went to SlutWalk, pretty much decided from that point on that I would be as vocal about my feminism as I wanted. What a moving experience. And I am so glad I got to spend it with Kathy, Kara, and my mother. My favorite proud sluts. And my mom and I found about about the KC Atheist Coalition there! Didn’t go to Homecoming, spent the evening with Diane-Jo first and then with Amanda. Much better. And now I’ll just have a random formal dress ready.
Later, started working, started stressing. Marcia’s class was killing me. Not in difficulty, but just in unorganized work allllll the time. I was missing Kara and Kathy, we didn’t get very much quality hangout time. Started hanging out with Erika more, and we formed a sort of friend group there for a bit. Had a couple of shindigs at my house. Was keeping in good touch with Elizabeth and Amanda, not so much with Rachel. Having a lot of good chat time with Maisie, god that girl is so impressive. I don’t care how many people don’t like her; she is one of the most accomplished women I know while still being a kind and funny friend. Dysfunctional date with Melissa. Always chatting with my mom. Always. Cole started talking to me. Commence emotional breakdown. Slowly collected myself, all while the world decided to hate me and make me keep running into him randomly. As I stopped being upset, I got mad; I decided I needed to yell at him. So I did. (See: Holy Weekend Batman) All uphill from there.
Semi-recently, getting busy. Trying to balance everything. Starting to worry about finding colleges, impressing colleges, paying for colleges. Soccer season ended, so I started rekindling my friendship with Nick. I’d missed our wonderful conversations. Lots of coffee dates. Lots of homework. Lots of TV. Went to Skepticon with my mom, which is always a wonderful weekend. We have wonderful chats the whole way there and back, and in between I get the atheist passion I needed rekindled. And I finally decided to start an SSA chapter at my school. So glad I’m starting to find my place. Thanksgiving weekend with Amanda was wonderful. Did community service with the KC Atheist Coalition on Thanksgiving morning. And then Amanda and I basically spent the entire rest of the weekend wrastling and goofing off. Occasionally feeding each other roasted marshmallows. And I took Trisha on an ice-skating, lunching, and Plaza shopping date. Going into December, I was exhausted, but feeling optimistic and determined to make the most of this year.
Recently, I’m allllllways cranky. Working way too much. Just ready to be done with everything and have some free time to myself, and Amanda, and Elizabeth. Quit really having any free time for random funtivities with Erika. Celebrated a fabulous birthday with my mother. And now Amanda’s finally here, we’re right in the swing of things. Doing impressions of my dad, talking about Twilight, and cackling all the time while annoying everyone around. And the semester turned out for the best, I mean, I really didn’t ever have a reason to stress about my grades, they were always sturdy, but that’s never stopped me. I am excited to for Christmas and New Years and some quality bonding time with Elizabeth and Amanda. I need to get back on my December goals though, mostly the reading and the dance class. And I’m excited to go back to school and have French, but holy hell, J’ai oublie tout. I’ll still have classes with Emma and my birthday will be swiftly approaching. A couple of good concerts too. Needless to say, even though I’ll be sad to end break, I think 2012 could be pretty great.
I really don’t understand why I just got so suddenly upset and randomly started crying. But the reason I have this blog is so I can try to catalog my life effectively since I quit diary-ing. So here’s an attempt to analyze this.
So I blew off Cole today so I could hang out with Amanda, and sort of Nick too. But when I told him I was blowing him off, he made it seem like he had already blown me off. That bothers me. And it bothers me that it bothered me.
I am tired of only talking with Nick about Olivia. I mean, I want to be there for him, but I feel like he doesn’t really need my advice, because it’s not like anything we discuss is really a problem with a solution, it’s more of just things about Nick that we both understand trying to make sense of things about Olivia that he has a loose grasp on and I have almost no grasp on. I feel like the only real purpose of him talking to me is just to have someone to talk to. I feel pretty interchangable in the situation. And I’m jealous of his MSA friends. I try to pretend in front of Nick like I am not made that upset by it anymore, but I am still utterly distraught that I didn’t get that. That I don’t have MSA people. And I hate these girls that he met there just because they were there and I wasn’t. I can’t stand the idea of Nick having multiple intelligent women to talk to about his problems. And I hate being jealous. I know these are people I would like. And I need to stop being so pretective over a boy who isn’t mine. And I need Nick to see that I’m upset about something, even when we’re joking and I’m acting like I’m blowing things off. He should know that I’m fretting. I need him to force me to talk about it. Because then I wouldn’t be here, randomly crying for either no reason or a million reasons.
Christmas stresses me out. I hate the idea of one day where you have to give someone something that indicates all of your feelings towards them and how much you appreciate your relationship with them. How the hell am I supposed to find something that represents my almost 10-year long friendship with Elizabeth. Who has gotten me through EVERYTHING. ANd it is just too finite of a deadline. I still have to finish my Christmas letters. And get a present for Melissa and Kathy and Elizabeth. And finish my presents for Amanda and Erika.
I am dreading this week. Even though it’s only 3 and a half more days of school, I just don’t want to do it. I’m tired all the time. I just want to sleep in. And I know that problem could be solved by my going to bed earlier. But I spent my evening with Amanda, and then I was all hyped up. And I just can’t get my mind of shut down. And I dread going to bed because it brings me closer to school, as childish as that is. I just don’t want to deal with finals. And stress. And finishing the semester brings me one step closer to having to get everything figured out. And I don’t have a clue.
I don’t know. I just got overwhelmed. And I called Kathy and as soon as I started talking I was upset. Not sure what it’s about. It could be about some combination of these things It could be all of them. It could be something else entirely.
So now, let’s work backwards from my meltdown and I’ll recap my life. I’ve actually been really happy lately, so I shouldn’t let myself forever only remember this period of time as sad.
Today: Aforementioned blowing off of Cole. Went Christmas shopping with Amanda and my Dad for my mom. Amanda and I were being really goofy, as always. And right as we were pulling into my neighborhood, my dad had to get his phone out of his pocket, so he unbuckled his seatbelt and just never put it back on. And as we were pulling into the driveway, Amanda said something about how the beeping the car was making was annoying, and dad said ‘I know, I’m home now.’ but in like a really serious tone. And I thought it was hilarious so I said ‘I see you.’ from Avatar in my best serious tone and then Amanda and I cackled for like 30 minutes because once we calmed down we told my mom the story. And that wasn’t the only time we cackled. It was pretty much all we did all day. And then I went for coffee with Nick, see above. I don’t really know why it was so dissatisfying. I know it’s selfish of me to not want to talk about Nick’s life, and I don’t really think what’s bothering me is that we’re not talking about me, I think it’s just that I don’t feel like I’m helping anything. I feel like I have no insight. I feel kind of stupid. And then the fam went over to my Grandma’s for dinner, and Amanda and I were goofy some more. And I said ‘I see you.’ to my dad like 6 more times. Came home, made my coins for AP Lit. They’re hilarious. Then Amanda and I ended up watching the season finale of Homeland with my parents. And then I tried to go to bed, cue depression.
Yesterday: Got up and got ready for work. Worked for 8 hours. Not really exciting, but when I finally got off, I met my parents and Amanda at the movie theater and we double dipped with Young Adult and Tower Heist. They were both good, but Tower Heist was freaking hilarious. Mom, Amanda, and I all cackled our ways through it.
Friday: School. Two tests, so the day kind of sucked. I just don’t like taking tests because then you don’t really get to talk all day. Plus Emma wasn’t there, so that majorly put a damper on my chatting. Came home from school and wrapped presents with Amanda and watched The Office. Then the fam all went to Oak Park Mall to do our annual Christmas Shopping thing. Nothing too exciting, but pleasent.
Thursday: School was uneventful. Not great though. I hate the weird schedule we have because of testing. Like I hate being in one class for 4 hours and another 30 minutes. Came home from school and chatted with Amanda and Mom and tried to do some homework. Went to work. Nothing much to report. Came home, more homework.
Wednesday: Don’t really remember school at this point, so probably nothing too exciting happened. Came home from school and waited for Dad to get back to the office and then went in to do my monthly work. Went home for a bit after that, but shortly thereafter went to Zona Rosa to meet Trisha for a date. Didn’t know what we were doing, but she told me to meet her at DSW. When I got there, she had put an envelop on the door for me. And I had to walk around getting envelops with a letter about why Trisha loves me before I could figure out where we were eating. And being the overemotional broad I am, I was crying and laughing as I was reading everything. And it was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me. Finally, I met her at Bravo and we had a wonderful goofy dinner full of carbs. Trisha, I love you dearly, don’t ever forget that. No one else has ever taken me out for such a perfect evening. And by the time I got home it was time to go pick up Amanda, and we did our late night Granite City snack of course. It feels so good to have her back. And I’m not sure how the rest of break is going to go, but I love her so much, I realized that I can stop worrying about pleasing her, because we always just naturally mesh.
It’s going to be a busy week. I have finals and work and shopping to do, and I know that I will inevitably get distracted by Amanda and my mom.
And look at that, I feel a little better after trying to get out my feelings.
Seriously? Grow up, we’re not in middle school anymore. Next time I’m punching everyone in the face. I don’t care if it’s meant to be a good thing or a bad thing, things don’t happen “because I’m asian”
I so noticed this Kathy. We were just talking about how ingorant and annoying it is and then people spend like 5 minutes in the hallway saying that ‘everything is because you’re asain’
I’m sorry dear, personally, I think it’s all just because you’re fabulous.
Haven’t given a play-by-play of my life’s goings ons in a while, so here it goes:
Last week kind of sucked. Well, actually Monday was really fantastic because of Florence and the Machine and then Wednesday was even better because it was my mom’s birthday. And I took her out to lunch and to the movies and treated her the way she treats me every day. Which I probably don’t deserve. But I feel like I don’t normally let my mom know how much she means to me, so it was really important to dote on her. I spend all of Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night, when I wasn’t working, studying for the ACT, because I really don’t want to take it again. And honestly, I don’t feel like studying for a score makes it at all inferior to someone’s of the same caliber who didn’t study. I need to get better about not being a pretentious intelligent person. I really hope I don’t make other people feel bad for having to work harder than me, and I also hope that I start having to work more for my achievements. I think it will make them more meaningful. So after all this work, I had consistently been getting my goal score on practice tests, and by Saturday morning, I was very confident I could get a 33. And then my fucking proctor mistimed my reading section. She called five minutes after only 20 minutes had elapsed, and I immediately started freaking out. And even after she realized her mistake, I couldn’t calm down. And I was sitting there letting all the pressure from my dad get to me and I knew that I didn’t do my best from that point on. And then I was just cranky the whole rest of the day. And I tried to watch TV to relax, but that always just makes me feel more cranky and it always seems like a waste of time afterward. Then I went to work and downed some chocolate to suppress the cranky. I stopped by Kathy’s after work and proceeded to stay up way too late, so by the time I came home, I just broke down into a temper tantrum to Elizabeth on the phone. And I was just upset with myself, and stressed about school and not wanting to do work for it, and exhausted from the long week, and then it turned into my underlying fears of disappointing my dad when it comes to college and disappointing Amanda when she comes home. I just want to make this break really fantastic for her, because she has had the hardest semester, but I am going to be working, and it’s going to be gross outside, and I feel like it’s going to be generic. But I want us to have all these epic funtivities. And I want her to get to know some of my friends better, and come to like them hopefully. I just want everything to go so perfect but I just feel like I am never enough.
And then I slept for 12 hours. And Sunday I felt sort of like shit, but a little better after getting out a lot of my feelings. Elizabeth, you’re the best for dealing with my fit. And Nick and I went to Caribou to study for APUSH/chat, which of course we both knew would be mostly chat, but then we ran into other people studying for APUSH and we ended up actually being productive. Which I guess is both good and bad, because I know I wouldn’t have studied otherwise, but it totally cut our chat time to like 30 minutes. And we always have so much to discuss. So everything just felt like it was scraping the surface, and we didn’t really get the chance to hash anything really well. So I guess Nick and I will have to chat more thoroughly soon, probably after finals though.. Bleh, school.
And so the week started off on the note of hoping that it would be better than the last. Amanda comes home tomorrow, so that is always the best. We’re on a screwy schedule at school though, and it makes me cranky. What else is new? And if I’m cranky at school then all I want to do at home is nothing, so I lounge around way too much. Today I did go for coffee with Kara though. I needed that. It is all to easy for me to lose sight of how much I value my friends when I see them less. We haven’t hung out just the two of us in months. I needed that chat; we talked about everything, ladies, men, our families, religion, my neuroses, etc… Thank you for caring about me Kara; I know that I always try to seem so strong and like I don’t need any support, but I need people to take care of me. You’re always good at that Kara. Watched Crazy, Stupid, Love with my mom after dinner and two thoughts: first of all, I totally teared up in the end, but was also squirming a lot over the son/babysitter nonsense and second, HOT DAMN RYAN GOSLING.
I am working on my December goals. Read like 5 pages today. Done with 2 and a half letters. Outfits going well. SSA is just waiting for district approval. Been thoroughly chatting with my mom. I basically live at Caribou now, so check on that. Baz Lurhmann Day is forthcoming. No progress on Quixotic class! I must start that. Haven’t had too many opportunities to express my feminism, but I’m prepared to. And I have no idea how I’m doing on the Amanda front. I’ve been fretting, but once she gets here, maybe everything will just go swimmingly. I know that we can always get along hanging out at the house, I just want it to be more than that. We shall see.
And I am back to exactly where I was one year ago. Why do you have to be such a good friend? I often can’t stop myself from letting my imagination run away with it. And my subconscious is in on it too; great dream last night.