It’s really amazing to see how much my demeanor had changed recently. I feel really, genuinely happy right now. Like the perfect, untainted and unbound child-like happiness. Everything’s falling into place.
“My point is that feminists are not biological determinists. Feminists are the least likely people to say ‘all men are bastards’. Some of them might say ‘many men behave like bastards’. But they don’t imply that such behaviour is acceptable because its genetic or ‘natural’ for men to behave that way, like those arguments defending rapists which imply that men are really all just stupid cavemen who can’t be blamed when they rape because, hey, men just can’t help it when they see someone in a mini skirt. Feminists don’t write books about how men are genetically incapable of picking up an iron. Feminists don’t write books about how men are from another planet, one where men have to be left ‘in their cave’ because they just don’t have proper emotions like women do. That’s because actually, feminists think men should be treated as fully functional human beings with brains and morals who should be held responsible for the choices they make.”—‘Feminists are Sexist’ - Features - The F-Word (via solitaryforager)
n. the smallest measurable unit of human connection, typically exchanged between passing strangers—a flirtatious glance, a sympathetic nod, a shared laugh about some odd coincidence—moments that are fleeting and random but still contain powerful emotional nutrients that can alleviate the symptoms of feeling alone.
So Monday I had a really good phone chat with Elizabeth. I love that girl so much. It totally cut into my sleep, and I was cranky the next day, but in the long run, it’ll be more important to have good chats with Elizabeth and good hashing through my thoughts.
First of all, Elizabeth was cracking me up telling me this story about how her mom made a huge ham (classic Suzanne) last week for just the three of them and they have been eating it ever since for practically every meal. And Suzanne kept saying “You know what I had for lunch?? Ham. You know what I had for dinner?? Ham.” And then Elizabeth started putting ham into movie titles, like 500 days of Ham and Hamless in Seattle. Classic Elizabeth humor. But of course Bob and Suzanne did not appreciate it.
And we talked a lot about being lonely. And talking with Elizabeth about boys is always good for me because it puts everything in perspective. And we talked about the future, and how Elizabeth is going to end up being some bad ass at the UN or something like that. I have total confidence in her.
And then Tuesday in math analysis Nick asked me to go for coffee after school. And I had to do alllllll my french homework and I knew I shouldn’t, but something in Nick’s voice told me I should. And so we went to Caribou and just had a super wonderful chat about his relationship and his priorities. And I finally told him my honest (or mostly honest) feelings about his girlfriend and I think we really just established that we want to be there for each other. Nick has been with me through many struggles, small and large, but he normally has his life relatively under control, but this time he needed me. And it was really nice to return the favor. It made me realize how ridiculously protective of him I am. And we’ve been texting a lot lately, because I feel the need to constantly check on how he’s doing, and we’ve just gotten to a really good place in our friendship this week.
Yesterday when I came home from school I went with my madre down to the plaza to H and M, and I accidentally stole some gloves, so that was funny. Then we chatted at home and I read a bit and then I finally took the much needed nap I’ve been putting off. Went to dinner with the rents at Rancho Grande, and we had really good chats on the drive there and back. I didn’t want to stop hanging out with them, so we all hung out in their room and then started listening to all kinds of different versions of Sail, which was fantastic. Then I talked to Erika on the phone, and it was a really productive conversation. We had been talking for probably about 45 minutes, and we were about to get off the phone when she asked me how I was doing, and I realized that I’m not doing too well. I’m lonely and conflicted and cranky and tired all the time. But mostly lonely. And we talked about how last week, when Nick and I had coffee after I had a really bad weekend, we didn’t really discuss it. Because I don’t want to burden Nick with my issues and problems, so if he doesn’t ask, I try to deal with them on my own. But Nick is the kind of person who doesn’t pry and assumes that if you want to talk about it you will, so it doesn’t always work out. I need to be more upfront about talking about my problems and feelings. I really want to have a good hashing with Joshua sometime soon, because I think he’ll have some good insight for me. After I got everything out, I finally started on my homework and ended up staying up way too late.
Other things, I am very excited about SSA starting officially, but now I feel all this pressure, and I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do!
Mason’s driving me crazy! He’s being the flakiest car pooling partner and he always makes fun of me for listening to npr. Bad idea.
I miss Amanda. It’ll get better after we had like a real phone conversation this weekend, because right now we’ve just been texting and it doesn’t feel remotely adequate when 2 weeks ago we were spending at least 10 hours of every day together.
“As we mark the 39th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, we must remember that this Supreme Court decision not only protects a woman’s health and reproductive freedom, but also affirms a broader principle: that government should not intrude on private family matters. I remain committed to protecting a woman’s right to choose and this fundamental constitutional right. While this is a sensitive and often divisive issue—no matter what our views, we must stay united in our determination to prevent unintended pregnancies, support pregnant woman and mothers, reduce the need for abortion, encourage healthy relationships, and promote adoption. And as we remember this historic anniversary, we must also continue our efforts to ensure that our daughters have the same rights, freedoms, and opportunities as our sons to fulfill their dreams.”—President Obama’s statement on the 39th anniversary of Roe v. Wade (via cultureofresistance)
Just had an informal meeting with most of the other kids at my school planning on being in Secular Student Alliance. Holy shit I am so excited now. Everyone is very enthusiastic about getting started and almost wants to storm my schools administration and demand cooperation. We all discussed events we’d like to do, what the club should be about, and just our general feelings about how secularists are treated at our school. There were two semi-religious people there too, but they both highlighted how they are supportive of our cause and want to be a member because they know the club will do good. We all also realized that we seem to be some of the smartest, most active kids in our school and the fact that we are all passionate about this should make the school take us seriously. Tomorrow, I am going with two other members (so I definitely won’t get flustered) to talk to the administration and give them an ultimatum. If significant progress has not been made by the end of the week, I’ve got tons of adults in the secular field waiting to tell him that he is obligated by law to give us this club.
The New York Times has an interesting article with Baz Luhrmann as he discusses bringing the timeless classic into 3D. Personally, I can’t wait to see this film because Baz is a daring and artistic film-maker. The chance to see Mulligan, Edgerton square off with Dicaprio, plus throwing in Maguire into the mix this has the hallmarks of a movie that’s on my ‘must watch’ list.
The ‘special effect’ in this movie is seeing fine actors in the prime of their acting careers tearing each other apart,” Mr. Luhrmann explained in a telephone interview this week.
He spoke of using 3-D not to create thrilling vistas or coming-at-you threats, but rather to find a new intimacy in film. He referred particularly to a climactic scene in which Daisy’s husband, Tom Buchanan (played by Joel Edgerton), confronts Mr. DiCaprio’s Gatsby in a suite at the Plaza hotel, all in three dimensions.
“How do you make it feel like you’re inside the room?” he asked.
Obsessing over: How to get my stupid school administration to finally get off their asses, take me seriously, and get my Secular Student Alliance up and running.
Working on: Studying for an AP French test that I am in no way, shape, or form ready to take.
Thinking about: Why this weekend was such a let down. Missing my sister. Evaluating my friendships. Not wanting to go to school tomorrow and see people I don’t feel like seeing and act like my feelings aren’t hurt.
Anticipating: Nothing in the immediate future, mostly just upcoming concerts starting next month. Going to the atheist convention in Lawrence. Not anything proximal enough for me to be seriously excited. No plans for the upcoming weekend so far expect a sure-to-be-awkward lunch date with my grandma.
Listening to: The awesome study play list Amanda made before she left. It’s mostly what got me though yesterday and today.
Wishing: Amanda was still here. Emma never left. I could be someone’s number one. For someone to realize how much/often I need to be taken care of and want to be the person to do it.
As you can see, it hasn’t been a very good past couple of days. Multiple good cries later and I still don’t feel better.
Amanda’s gone and I have a lot of things I should be doing, but I don’t want to do any of them. All I want to do is be with someone. Talk and laugh and goof off. And to have someone try to be there for me. To show me that they care about me.
And no one is texting me back.
It’s been like 9 hours and I already don’t know what to do without the support of Amanda. I miss her so much.
“You have to question a cinematic culture which preaches artistic expression, and yet would support a decision that is clearly a product of a patriarchy-dominant society, which tries to control how women are depicted on screen. The MPAA is okay supporting scenes that portray women in scenarios of sexual torture and violence for entertainment purposes, but they are trying to force us to look away from a scene that shows a woman in a sexual scenario, which is both complicit and complex. It’s misogynistic in nature to try and control a woman’s sexual presentation of self. I consider this an issue that is bigger than this film. … There is something very distorted about this reality that they’ve created, which is that it is OK to torture women on screen. Any kind of violence towards women in a sexual scenario is fine. But give a woman pleasure? No way. Not a chance. That’s pornography.”—Ryan Gosling, in a letter protesting the NC-17 rating of ‘Blue Valentine’. The rating was based on one consensual sex scene, in which he performs cunnilingus on Michelle Williams. (via fox-power)
Thus far, it has been a wonderful weekend. I am sure trying to retell the events to people will make it seem uneventful, but I know these are the times that remind me how precious my family is.
We all had a super good chat after dinner about how important it is that we stay together. How much we all value that as a family, we all do really enjoy eachother’s company. As terrible it is to miss Amanda before she even leaves, I am still glad just to know that I care about her enough to miss her. And it’s been so beautiful to watch her grow up and blossom in Chicago. And it’s so great to watch my parents struggle through their midlife crises together and experience the teenage shenanigans they missed out on growing up. It is just so nice to see how determined we all are to make our little family so much more comfortable, and homey, and loving, and goofy, and balanced than the rest of our super dysfunctional family.
And then we all climbed into my parents bed, as we always love to do. And in those close quarters we cackled for about 20 minutes about mom’s wine stained teeth. Oh I don’t know. It was just hilarious.
So, I am not going to say that this was what I had in mind or that I didn’t feel disappointed at times, but it was important. I needed all that quality Allred time.