So it’s a Tuesday night. The dreaded Tuesday night. The one where I normally cram all my weekly French homework into one day in addition to everything else. But no weekly homework this week. But since I am not French journaling, I felt I should probably write at least something.
Really, my life is boring lately. I am not doing well at my February goals, and I don’t think even the extra day tomorrow can save me. Things with friends are good. Kathy and I had a very much needed heart to heart last week. It’s just really important for me to check in with her regularly; I can’t let that friendship slip away.
Things with my family are good. I spend so much time just chatting with my parents or watching a show or running errands. I don’t mind though. Spending Friday night watching Bill Maher with them is fine with me. I miss Amanda. More than I normally do. This semester has been hard without her. And I know it’s because I’m in a more vulnerable, lonely place than I have been the past few times she’s left after being home for a long time, and because she’s going to New Zealand this summer and for the fall semester and she might stay in Chicago before that and I would hardly see her.
And as much as I hate it, I continue to have the thought in the back of my head that I’m not going to prom. And I don’t even care that much, like I am not all that into the whole dance thing anyway, but I just want to get all dressed up in the dress I already have and have someone. But alas, my only hope is upon Nick having no other lady in his life when it rolls around. I will live though. And things are getting better about that. I’m doing that thing that I always do where it hurts too much to continue with the unreturned feelings, so they start to fade. He’s a good option right now, but I don’t think that is good enough to build a relationship. He can just continue to be one of my best friends. I don’t think Madam will ever stop expecting us to get together though…
SSA is going really well. It’s overwhelming at times though. Mostly because it’s hard to set up all of this community service. I apparently can’t read a calender so I messed up the date I thought was finally going to work. And it’s just hard. I feel like no one takes it as seriously as I do; they’re mostly just there to make jokes and eat donuts. And I feel so much pressure to make this club successful. I can’t have the administration watch me fail. And I can’t face everyone at SSA and KCAC and everyone else who’s been so helpful. It will work out though, I just need to get my bearings.
I am fucking afraid for the fate of the United States. But I have one hundred percent decided. If Rick Santorum becomes the President of the United States, I will be going to college in Canada. I should probably start looking for my back up plan. I just cannot even bear the idea of the man representing my nation being a sexist, homophobic, philistine, manipulative, anti separation of church and state, idiot. It’s mostly the sexist part that does it for me.
So I’m mostly okay. The things I have to complain about are small, it’s just me not getting exactly what I want. And that bothers me. I need the weather to get nicer though, so I can resume Tennis Wednesdays with Melissa. But most importantly, I need to remind myself of my standards, and every time I feel like something is wrong with me because I am single and sometimes lonely, I am going to remind myself of the things I like about myself and how that translates into the man I deserve, who frankly, is not a high school student. But I think I am considerate, and intelligent, and pretty, and sometimes funny, and nonjudgmental, and understanding, and I think I would make a damn good girlfriend. Because I am already a very devoted friend. So when it works out, it works out. Until then, I can continue going on dates with Trisha, talking about crushes like a little girl, and crying when I’m sad about being lonely as long as I remember how nice it is to be accountable to myself and only myself and be able to do exactly what I want when I want to.
And when Amanda comes home for Spring break, things will be fantastically perfect. And things could be even better if I get a chance to see Elizabeth over break. I am going to make March a good month.