No more avoiding it, I have officially started my last year of high school. And I hate a lot of things about it, but it’ll be okay. My whole first day I was so overwhelmed. Like every time I awkwardly introduced myself to my teachers and they were totally nice to me and understanding about me getting caught up, it made me feel emotional. Like the idea of them understanding how very much I have to do made me realize how daunting it is. And Chem II is a big bummer because I thought I would be sitting next to Melissa, but she’s so far away from me! We must be together all the rest of the time. Then AP Euro.. I basically don’t like any of the people in the class, if I even know who they are. It’s like a lot of the weird kind of nerds, and pseudo intellectuals. Not a good combination. And I am just really mad at myself for not getting Tyler’s old stuff from Euro because then I would be able to do so much less. Ugh, I shouldn’t be slacking that much though. I mean, it’ll be a fine class, I am just not really interested in medieval Europe, so it’ll be a while before it’s interesting. Mrs. Brewington bugs me a lot though, I just wish she would simmer down a little bit more and let me read and take notes and write essays without her annoying guidelines. AP Calc is.. I’m not sure yet. I know it’ll be fine. And the boys are nice to me at lunch. It’s just not ideal. And by the end of the day, fibers will be a haven. Mrs. Colvin is so nice she makes me want to just cry on her shoulder and let all my stress out. But none of that is really very interesting. I still feel overwhelmed. I wish I didn’t have so many work hours as I do, but I don’t want to cut back because I know that I really like having spending money. I really miss Katie. Talking to her last night was really fantastic. And I feel already like I’m drifting from Drew. I don’t even know anything about his crazy roommate! I feel really conflicted about SSA. I am really excited and there are a lot of things I want to get going and am excited about for this year, but I don’t want to begin the stress of it. I just need to get through this week, because I am going to be really productive this weekend, or at least I need to be. And tomorrow will be great! I love Wednesdays and it’s going to be my last night with Trisha and I am going to enjoy the hell out of it! Then Thursday will be awful, but by then I’m almost done. And I’m going to theme everything I do in Fibers around Kansas City. It seems appropriate.
I’m starting high school tomorrow. For the last time. And I’m going to be okay, even though I missed the first three days. And it’s going to be a good year. By May, I will be ready to have one of the greatest summers of my life before departing to a wonderful college that I got to pick from a list of options because of the all the work I have done. And I’m going to be one of those people that has fond high school memories and friends from high school that I still talk to. I am going to keep my friends forever friends. I may not be ready. But I’m diving in.
“I don’t like this expression ‘First World problems.’ It is false and it is condescending. Yes, Nigerians struggle with floods or infant mortality. But these same Nigerians also deal with mundane and seemingly luxurious hassles. Connectivity issues on your BlackBerry, cost of car repair, how to sync your iPad, what brand of noodles to buy: Third World problems. All the silly stuff of life doesn’t disappear just because you’re black and live in a poorer country. People in the richer nations need a more robust sense of the lives being lived in the darker nations. Here’s a First World problem: the inability to see that others are as fully complex and as keen on technology and pleasure as you are.”—Teju Cole (via semperes)
I don’t want to leave this time right now. I just want things to stay exactly as they are, with Drew, Katie, Parker, Maisie, and Trisha all still here. And with me not having to actually make decisions. And be able to just waste away days at the pool with my mom and nights over hookah with Drew and Katie. And I told myself all summer, that by the end I would know everywhere I am going to apply. And I still know nothing. There are too many things to consider. I don’t want to be away from my mom. And I want to be in a great city. And I don’t want to get lost in a sea of students, but I don’t want to go somewhere too small either. I don’t want to feel like I’m settling, but I don’t want to get rejected either. And what if I can’t get a full ride anywhere? Or what if I do get one and it’s too far away? I don’t want to grow up. I can’t stand to see all these other kids already done with applications because they only have one thing in mind. Why couldn’t I be one of those kids that just takes it easy in high school? Those ones who sit back and enjoy the ride, give themselves an easy senior year, set no standards for themselves too early. I thought I was going to be okay next year without some of my friends too. But I don’t know what I’m going to do. This summer, I’ve fallen in love with being with them. Especially Katie and Trisha. Those two girls are my two extremes, and they keep me balanced in between. What am I going to do when they’re two hours away at all times? And I just want to be in French class with Madame. It would comfort me so much. The idea of going back right now makes me feel dreadful. There’s so much I hate about it. All the busy work. All the wasted time. Tutorial. Lunch. Trying to wrangle the fucking administrators to cooperate with SSA. Trying to get all my bullshit homework done when I have to work. It overwhelms me with stress. I don’t know why I can’t just see how trivial it all is, but I know I will still worry over every last thing. By May 20th, what new wisdom will I have? How am I supposed to have all of this figured out by then, let alone give a speech to everyone about how very figured out I have it and how they can get it all too? I feel so lost. And so disconnected to the whole ‘senior mentality’. I don’t even feel like I can do it. I still don’t even have like basic high school stuff mastered, like getting asked to a dance and keeping a friend for over a year. I’m not good at doing things I’m not good at. And I don’t want to learn. I just want to stay here.