I hate the end of the year. I have so much stuff to do I have no idea to where to start. And I have no motivation. And I am going to end up getting like a 2 on the AP US test and I fucking hate Mr. Henry. Every second I have to spend in his presence, looking at his stupid, fat face, listening to his stupid, patronizing voice, I just get angrier. And there is so much to do for French and it’s overwhelming and I don’t understand why Madam isn’t making all of this stuff optional, because I have to work tomorrow and Thursday and I have to miss class Thursday and Friday and I am just behind. I hate this. It’s my last couple of days with some of my very favorite people, and everyone is cranky and stressed and I’m not even there half the time. Why the fuck can’t my AP tests be in the afternoon so I could miss the classes I hate? And why can’t I just get a minute to breathe. And I waste away every single day, but it’s not even relaxing, it’s just stressful to be at home and doing nothing and worried about what I am going to do this summer and what I am going to do next year and what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I hate having all of this thrust upon me in one week. It’s too much.
And a year ago I was so happy. So blissfully unaware. Why can’t I just be normal and forgetful so I am not constantly measuring myself to past mes and worrying what I would be like and what would be different and if I would be happier. In a lot of ways, this past year has been great for me. I learned. I experienced. I met new people. I came out of my shell. I got closer to people I can’t imagine living without now. I started to have a clearer idea of who I am. But there are so many things I still wish for. Why did I have to hit that parked car so I’m not leaving for France in a month?
I am really beginning to hate it here. Like not here, as in Kansas City, I actually love growing up here and enjoying the city, but as in the United States. I am coming to hate it. And it kind of scares me. Every idea I ever had of my future life didn’t really include leaving the country for real. I want to live by my family; it just always made sense to settle wherever Amanda does. And I still want that, but I don’t see myself staying here anymore. Nothing I value is valued here. I am so disillusioned by the American Dream. But I don’t know how to factor this in. Like is it realistic for me to look at international schools? Do I need to stick it out for undergrad and then get the hell out? And what the hell am I even going to do for college anyway? I don’t have time to put it off anymore.
So much ranting needs to be done. I’m hungry. I’m tired. I’m cranky. My mom is hurting my feelings. I feel like I can’t do this. I’m stuck.
I just need to power down and stop being a child. But I have a tendency to throw temper tantrums lately. I know all of this is ridiculous, but I can’t seem to just chill out. So now I have wasted more and more of my precious homework time, and tomorrow will be even worse. Fuck tomorrow.
[Barack Obama] wants us to kowtow to nonexistent deities today, by going along with this horrible right-wing notion of a National Day of Prayer. Fuck that noise. Today is the National Day of Reason, and I will bend no knee to ghostly vapors, nor will I beg any gods for favors, ever.
No Gods, No Masters!
That should be the theme for this time of year, our Atheist Spring. It’s also fitting that that slogan was the product of the International Workers of the World, and was adopted by early feminists.
I don’t even think it’s possible to sum up how amazing the concert was last night. I really do think that Snow Patrol is my favorite band. I can barely even think of a single lyric of theirs I wouldn’t get tattooed on my body. Nor can I even express how unbelievably perfect Gary Lightbody is. If I could pick any one person in the whole world to sing to me, it would be him. And this is even with him having vocal problems last night (which he worked though so seamlessly anyway). And I love the way he talks about Kansas City. Because there are few people that see Kansas City as the beautiful assemblage of culture that I do. The whole evening was just perfect, and such a great way to break up all sorts of gross stress.
“For the first eight years of our marriage, [Michelle and I] were paying more in student loans than what we were paying for our mortgage. So we know what this is about.
And we were lucky to land good jobs with a steady income. But we only finished paying off our student loans—check this out, all right, I’m the President of the United States—we only finished paying off our student loans about eight years ago.”—President Obama in North Carolina today on why Congress has to act to prevent interest rates on student loans from doubling (via barackobama)