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Last week was hell. 3 AP tests and then the additional stress of missing classes to go to AP tests. And being all out of my regular friend rhythm and feeling lonely. Work was gross; I hate the new employee, and I’m going to get stuck working with her all the time. Just all of it, gross. Then Friday started an upturn. Left school after my APUSH test and got to spend the next 48 hours with Amanda. Funtivities in Westport and eating on Southwest Boulevard and mini golfing and just goofing off in the Allred family way. It was too short of a visit though. Sunday morning Amanda and Dad left, and then I spent the day with my mom. Which was important, because I know my mom has been having a hard time lately with work and then missing Amanda and worrying about me leaving and wondering how she’s going to handle Thor. So I treated her to a great day out. We went to town topic for greasy burgers: perfect. Then we just goofed off and adventured in Westport and on the Plaza. Went to the other Allreds for dinner, which was suprisingly not as bad and I was expecting. Finished off the evening with more mom time. It was a great day.
Then this week. Monday was stressful because of getting ready for the AP French test. And worrying about my French family leaving me. Worked Monday night. Not very exciting. Tuesday was a really great and hard and weird day all rolled into one. I feel like it wasn’t even one day. French was perfect. We had a great food day and everyone wore a cape and me and katie had on matching studded shorts and we watched La Vie en Rose. Then the exam. I’m not really interested in speculating about how I did, I just hope I did well to make Madam proud and to prove to myself that it’s all been worth it. Went with Melissa to our coffee shop when I got home, with a weight lifted off my shoulders. Melissa and I adventured around Briarcliff, being even weirder than usual. Then we went adventuring for dinner and ended up at Ingredient. Spent some more time with my mom when I got home, and then went with Drew, Katie, and Allison to the midnight premiere of The Dictator. We got there super early and were just goofing off while we waited. Then the movie was hilarious! So worth hardly getting any sleep. Wednesday, already irrational from lack of sleep, the seniors all left French. We all cried, but when it came down to it, they left happy and I stayed, lonely and sad. It’s so hard to watch them go. I really cannot even describe how much I adore every single one of them. We’ve all become ourselves in that class. Crazy, existential, francophile ex-pats. And they’ve made me learn to love myself so much. Everyone is just so open and we embrace eachother and make fun of eachother and tell eachother everything. I know it isn’t all ending just yet, and that I have the whole summer with at least Katie, Drew, and Maisie, but sitting there in class with the French 4 kids who don’t even know me is awful. And I basically spent the rest of the day at school feeling bleh. I never even got to see Trisha on her last day. Worked in Dad’s office after school and took a nap and then went to dinner with Diane-Jo! We spent a fantastic evening together.. It was so great to see her, and I can’t wait for this summer, but Diane to me is still a sort of reminder of last summer and who I was then and how much that’s changed. I really don’t know how all of that will play out. I am determined to make it great though. But I have to quit spending so much money. And now today there is no going back. I have to face college apps and people leaving and making decisions and accepting changes. Gross. And I haven’t had a good chat with so many of my friends in such a long time- Kathy, Kara, Nick, Erika, Elizabeth. It just sucks.
Okay. I think I can be done whining now. Seems like that’s all I’ve done lately, but I really have been having a good time. I just need to remember that even though I have another week left, I don’t really have anything to do, so I can just relax at school and then goof off during the evenings. Gahh. Why am I always such a mess.
I hate the end of the year. I have so much stuff to do I have no idea to where to start. And I have no motivation. And I am going to end up getting like a 2 on the AP US test and I fucking hate Mr. Henry. Every second I have to spend in his presence, looking at his stupid, fat face, listening to his stupid, patronizing voice, I just get angrier. And there is so much to do for French and it’s overwhelming and I don’t understand why Madam isn’t making all of this stuff optional, because I have to work tomorrow and Thursday and I have to miss class Thursday and Friday and I am just behind. I hate this. It’s my last couple of days with some of my very favorite people, and everyone is cranky and stressed and I’m not even there half the time. Why the fuck can’t my AP tests be in the afternoon so I could miss the classes I hate? And why can’t I just get a minute to breathe. And I waste away every single day, but it’s not even relaxing, it’s just stressful to be at home and doing nothing and worried about what I am going to do this summer and what I am going to do next year and what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I hate having all of this thrust upon me in one week. It’s too much.
And a year ago I was so happy. So blissfully unaware. Why can’t I just be normal and forgetful so I am not constantly measuring myself to past mes and worrying what I would be like and what would be different and if I would be happier. In a lot of ways, this past year has been great for me. I learned. I experienced. I met new people. I came out of my shell. I got closer to people I can’t imagine living without now. I started to have a clearer idea of who I am. But there are so many things I still wish for. Why did I have to hit that parked car so I’m not leaving for France in a month?
I am really beginning to hate it here. Like not here, as in Kansas City, I actually love growing up here and enjoying the city, but as in the United States. I am coming to hate it. And it kind of scares me. Every idea I ever had of my future life didn’t really include leaving the country for real. I want to live by my family; it just always made sense to settle wherever Amanda does. And I still want that, but I don’t see myself staying here anymore. Nothing I value is valued here. I am so disillusioned by the American Dream. But I don’t know how to factor this in. Like is it realistic for me to look at international schools? Do I need to stick it out for undergrad and then get the hell out? And what the hell am I even going to do for college anyway? I don’t have time to put it off anymore.
So much ranting needs to be done. I’m hungry. I’m tired. I’m cranky. My mom is hurting my feelings. I feel like I can’t do this. I’m stuck.
I just need to power down and stop being a child. But I have a tendency to throw temper tantrums lately. I know all of this is ridiculous, but I can’t seem to just chill out. So now I have wasted more and more of my precious homework time, and tomorrow will be even worse. Fuck tomorrow.
[Barack Obama] wants us to kowtow to nonexistent deities today, by going along with this horrible right-wing notion of a National Day of Prayer. Fuck that noise. Today is the National Day of Reason, and I will bend no knee to ghostly vapors, nor will I beg any gods for favors, ever.
No Gods, No Masters!
That should be the theme for this time of year, our Atheist Spring. It’s also fitting that that slogan was the product of the International Workers of the World, and was adopted by early feminists.