Bazmanian Devil

I don’t want to leave this time right now. I just want things to stay exactly as they are, with Drew, Katie, Parker, Maisie, and Trisha all still here. And with me not having to actually make decisions. And be able to just waste away days at the pool with my mom and nights over hookah with Drew and Katie. And I told myself all summer, that by the end I would know everywhere I am going to apply. And I still know nothing. There are too many things to consider. I don’t want to be away from my mom. And I want to be in a great city. And I don’t want to get lost in a sea of students, but I don’t want to go somewhere too small either. I don’t want to feel like I’m settling, but I don’t want to get rejected either. And what if I can’t get a full ride anywhere? Or what if I do get one and it’s too far away? I don’t want to grow up.
I can’t stand to see all these other kids already done with applications because they only have one thing in mind. Why couldn’t I be one of those kids that just takes it easy in high school? Those ones who sit back and enjoy the ride, give themselves an easy senior year, set no standards for themselves too early.
I thought I was going to be okay next year without some of my friends too. But I don’t know what I’m going to do. This summer, I’ve fallen in love with being with them. Especially Katie and Trisha. Those two girls are my two extremes, and they keep me balanced in between. What am I going to do when they’re two hours away at all times? And I just want to be in French class with Madame. It would comfort me so much. The idea of going back right now makes me feel dreadful. There’s so much I hate about it. All the busy work. All the wasted time. Tutorial. Lunch. Trying to wrangle the fucking administrators to cooperate with SSA. Trying to get all my bullshit homework done when I have to work. It overwhelms me with stress. I don’t know why I can’t just see how trivial it all is, but I know I will still worry over every last thing.
By May 20th, what new wisdom will I have? How am I supposed to have all of this figured out by then, let alone give a speech to everyone about how very figured out I have it and how they can get it all too?
I feel so lost. And so disconnected to the whole ‘senior mentality’. I don’t even feel like I can do it. I still don’t even have like basic high school stuff mastered, like getting asked to a dance and keeping a friend for over a year.
I’m not good at doing things I’m not good at. And I don’t want to learn. I just want to stay here.