Bazmanian Devil

Oh god, so much has been happening. And not in the sense that my life has been really exciting, in the sense that almost every moment of every day is accounted for. Sick.

So things:

I really wish I wasn’t the kind of person who takes things so personally. I wish I could get over stuff more easily. I wish I didn’t feel inferior to or weird around boys who didn’t like me. I wish I still wasn’t upset about people undervaluing my friendship and letting it slip away. But I am so bothered by the disconnect I feel between how hard I work to maintain relationships and be a good person, and how it pays off. And I know I am being too hard on myself, because I have a slew of fantastic people in my life that care more for me than I can probably imagine, but I still want validation. And I try really hard to tell myself that there’s nothing wrong with wanting validation from a boy, so long as he’s worthy. I hate waiting though. All it really leaves is time for me to feel like there’s something wrong with me. ughh. Why is this the major issue in my life?

Skepticon was really great though. It revamped so much of my energy about why SSA is important and why I shouldn’t be docile about it. I wish it weren’t so much work though, or that I had more help with it. I really am proud to be an atheist though. Over the years, I have slowly worked out what’s important to me, and I am starting to feel like my morals are well-set. And as always, it was so great to be in such an open-minded, scientifically driven, kind community, even if just for the weekend. But really though, in Kansas City I am very lucky to have such an established secular community who care for me so much.

I am so excited for break. It’s going to be hard though, to have Thanksgiving break next week and have Amanda be done with her semester and college students just weeks away, while I have to chug along for another month. And I know I am only going to become more exhausted, because with Amanda here, I will spend so much less time being productive. And I’m worried about all the people coming home. Break is not going to be long enough, by any stretch of the imagination. And fuck my job. I hate having to work all the time.

I try really hard not to hold resentment to the people who I share a lot of classes with, but it is just so difficult to not feel slighted when I am expected to accomplish all the same things and work 20 hours a week. Because if I don’t work, I will have no life now, no trip to France, and I’ll definitely have to work in college. And of course it’s not my parent’s fault; I don’t blame them at all for not having money for me for college, I wouldn’t mind so much if I wasn’t surrounded by spoiled assholes. I don’t need to hear about how your athletic and academic scholarships bring GW down to a very affordable $15,000 a year. Are you kidding me? And I don’t want to be looked down upon for largely considering big, state schools because of scholarships. Yes, I am taking them up on that offer. I can’t afford to scoff at places that are feasible for me. There literally is no other option. I just want everyone to stop asking me about it. And talking about it like it’s easy. And trying to act superior to me. I feel bad enough already, just leave me be.

And goddammit, I can’t handle these fucking egos anymore. I want Nick, and Beau, and Liam, and everyone else to stop flipping shit on me for being wrong when I wasn’t asserting that I knew what I was talking about. I am trying to fucking learn. Excuse me for not already knowing the content of my classes.

I would really like to be able to talk to and see Elizabeth, Amanda, Rachel, Katie, Trisha, Erika, Melissa, my mom, etc.. whenever I want again. I hate that everyone is so busy. It’s so frustrating to feel so far away from your favorite people because of scheduling.

And I can’t chicken out of applying to Vanderbilt. I want to so bad though.

Goodness. My life. The mess.

Oh goodness. It’s been ages. Since school got out, I’ve been in a crazy whirlpool of trying to balance friends, family, work, fucking summer school gym, and staying sane. It’s been a good one so far, with a few complaints, but when don’t I have those?

Summer school is basically the worst experience of my life. All it seems to me is a giant waste of time, cause for loss of sleep, and yet more proof of how stupid everyone in the world is (or at least the incoming freshman).

Friend-wise, I know I should be happy. But there are so many things that aren’t just perfect like I want them to be. I hate that Trisha and Katie and Drew are leaving. I hate that Diane-Jo isn’t even here and Parker is quasi-sickly so he can’t do a ton. I hate that my work schedule conflicts with everyone else’s. I haven’t seen Kathy enough. Nick has been basically absentee. Melissa was in stupid Sri Lanka all month. And Elizabeth wasn’t here long enough and when she was, we were always on her mom’s schedule. I have great friends, and I have already done so many great things with them this summer and am looking forward to so many more (like the great, silly summer bucket list Katie, Drew, and I made), but now June is already over and it feels like there’s too much left to do. I would really like for this summer to be as great as last year. And I’m just not in the same place.. last year I was ready for anything:  full of naivete and all the blissful ignorance that comes with it. Now, I want all the same fun, but I’m looking for different things. I’m at the point where maybe it’s be nice for my fake boyfriend to actually be a real one. I’ll just have to wait and see on that one, not another one of my strengths. And I’m so unbelievably disillusioned with Nick. What a turd he’s become. He’s not the same at all anymore, and I have no interest or time to continue cultivating a relationship with this ‘bro’. But really though, I am so excited to be coming together again with Kathy, glad to have Melissa back, happy to be exploring a new brand of funtivities with Erika at the wheel, looking forward to more pseudo double dates with Trisha, and ready to complete the summer bucket list. All the while, I am sort of excited to have found a couple of older friends at UMKC that will be good to keep around.  Really though, I love my friends, I shouldn’t complain.

It’s been a great summer with my fam. Seeing Coldplay with them in Dallas was so wonderful (not to mention how great it was to let my inner Texan sass run wild). Once again, anticipating Amanda’s arrival stressed me out, and yes, there are things I wish I didn’t have to miss out on while she was here, but goodness, all of our time together was perfect. Stalking Jason Grill and eying the Sporting KC team. Vegging out and showing Katie the KC essentials. All of it was great. We have to all end up together.

College stresses the shit out of me. I don’t even know where to begin. But like, do I want a small school or a big school? Do I want to be a plane ride or a car drive away from home? Do I want a college or a university? How the hell do you pick one place that alters your whole life?

I don’t even think it’s possible to sum up how amazing the concert was last night. I really do think that Snow Patrol is my favorite band. I can barely even think of a single lyric of theirs I wouldn’t get tattooed on my body. Nor can I even express how unbelievably perfect Gary Lightbody is. If I could pick any one person in the whole world to sing to me, it would be him. And this is even with him having vocal problems last night (which he worked though so seamlessly anyway). And I love the way he talks about Kansas City. Because there are few people that see Kansas City as the beautiful assemblage of culture that I do. The whole evening was just perfect, and such a great way to break up all sorts of gross stress.

This is all I ever wanted from life.

First Fridays with Melissa last night! Such a s’marvelous evening. More and more street performers are coming out as the weather gets better and I love being there with all the hustle of a bunch of people. And we were cracking up the whole time. I honestly don’t even know what about though really. That girl just makes me so happy that I do all sorts of weird things and I am just in a good mood! One of the best evenings I’ve had in a long time!

So I was infinitely sad to see Amanda go on Sunday, but it was so nice to get up early with her and my mom and have breakfast before she left. Then I wasn’t all drowsy for the goodbye and it wasn’t so hard knowing that my mom and I are definitely going to try to visit her this summer and she will be home for a month before leaving. And then a two month winter break for us to spend all sorts of time together. So it was hard to see her go, and I am still lonely when I am alone, wishing we were watching How I Met Your Mother together or watching the stars downtown, but it has been a good spring break so far.

Sunday and Monday I basically worked all day long. So that was uneventful. But then yesterday I slept in and then Melissa came over to play tennis. As it poured down rain. So we went down to Westport (listening to the amaaaaaazing new Shins album the whole time) and had Italian for lunch and judged a couple on their second date and laughed about the egg that came on top of my pasta and it was a jolly good time. Then she had her first bubble tea and more good chatting. Went into some random Westport shops and I found Girl With the Dragon Tattoo! Went to Zumba with my mom, finished my movie, and rounded out the evening alone, with plenty of time to ponder over my wonderful day and how much I adore Melissa.

Woke up today with no plans of the sort and everything turned out great. Nick and I had coffee and a much needed catch-up. Coffee turned into a perfect downtown adventure as we decided to get summer jobs together working at high end men’s clothing stores. Commence wondering into every men’s clothing store on the Plaza. Can’t wait to be working at J Crew or the like together. Had a late lunch at Spin! and finished off with Christopher Elbow ice cream. The whole thing was great. Then went with Katie, Drew, and Allison so Katie could pierce her bellybutton. Somehow we decided that we all needed ‘Fuck you you fucking fuck’ shirts and made that our even goal. Success. I adore Katie and Drew so much and I don’t even know what I am going to do next year. But I think we’re hanging out again later in the week so all will be well for now. For a day with no plans, it ended up perfect.

Kathy, we will see each other eventually! I am just not very good about checking my facebook so I miss you when you’re on. But I miss you tons and tons and I’m sorry we keep missing each other.