Bazmanian Devil

I’m reppin’ in my SSA shirt and a designated atheist sticker, open for any non-derogatory questions that come my way.
Ask away!!

So this week, I had a lot of drama with my school’s aministration over my secular student alliance group and sort of just a lot of attacks on my lifestyle in general.

First: a recap. So last week in SSA we made simple posters for National Ask an Atheist Day. Tuesday we put them up around school, being sure to follow all the rules of where posters can and cannot be hung. Of course, teachers and students found the word atheist offensive and the posters were taken down and ruined, all before trying to communicate with me about it.  And by the time I got home from school, after letting it sink in for a couple of hours, I was just unbelievably frustrated that everyone takes offense to my chosen lifestyle. I really do try to be a good person and make a good name for myself, I know I can’t speak for all atheists, but I feel most of them try to do the same. And I am pretty damn good at it I think. I am a devoted friend. I do charity work. I respect others. I try to be educated about politics. I work hard in school and know I will end up working my ass off eventually just so I can maybe become a doctor or maybe something else, but definitely someone who tries to better people’s lives. But I will always be defined in negative terms. And that has made me slightly more callus. I knew, after the battle I went through to get SSA at all, that maintaining the club would be difficult too, but I was still hoping the school would suprise me and be better than I expected. But they aren’t. And I am so tired of everyone being so ignorant and judgmental. And then accusing me of being defensive because sometimes I try to nip arguments in the bud because I don’t even think they’re worth having.

For example: The SSA shirts say “Morals without Mythology” on the back, and it is something that is very true of people who decide to define and live by morals not related to any sort of supernatural force. And I don’t, in any way, find it to be offensive. As a rational person, I read it as a positive message, “yay morals!” I don’t read it as, “oh, they think christianity is mythology and that they are better than us because they have morals and we don’t” And so yeah, when people try to give me shit about it at school, especially Nick, because he should know better, I am going to give you a defensive answer because I already know what you are thinking, and I know it could turn into a fight, and I don’t want it to, so I am going to try to cut it off. And for the record anyway, I wouldn’t have to be defensive if most of the people I know didn’t already give me a reason to feel the need for it.

Nick and Connor were just getting on my nerves today. I am tired of having to hold back my entire opinion because I can’t risk being considered ‘another abrasive atheist’ even though every time I talk to him Connor goes all holier than thou and shoves his faith down my throat and Nick flip flops on his religious views to pander to who he’s talking to. But still, I let them tell me that Atheists are “douchier” than Christians and continue to say the same ignorant things everyone else says, just in joke form to keep it light. As if I could ever get away with joking about their faith. I am so fucking tired of having to hold back because for some reason, your religion is exempt to all rules and criticisms, while you make every judgment on mine possible without ever really asking me what my beliefs are.

I just hate everyone right now. I am so tired of living in a country where I am automatically the least trusted person because I think something different than you. Why is it so offensive to you that I don’t share your belief? It doesn’t even have anything to do with anyone else. Why can religious people brush off questions and criticisms because “spirituality is personal” when I am expected to listen to all of your horseshit about the kind of person I am.

So even though the SSA thing worked itself out and we will still be happily celebrating Ask An Atheist day next week, the whole experience left me so unwilling to put myself in this position ever again. I just don’t even want to deal with people at my school. We can just keep doing our events and service on our own. And I’m not going to try to explain my beliefs to people anymore, because it’s none of their fucking business and they have their mind made up about it already.

I am designing posters for my high school Secular Student Alliance group, anyone have any ideas for something that must be featured on a poster to help explain the purpose of the club and entice new members?

So it’s a Tuesday night. The dreaded Tuesday night. The one where I normally cram all my weekly French homework into one day in addition to everything else. But no weekly homework this week. But since I am not French journaling, I felt I should probably write at least something.

So things:

Really, my life is boring lately. I am not doing well at my February goals, and I don’t think even the extra day tomorrow can save me. Things with friends are good. Kathy and I had a very much needed heart to heart last week. It’s just really important for me to check in with her regularly; I can’t let that friendship slip away.

Things with my family are good. I spend so much time just chatting with my parents or watching a show or running errands. I don’t mind though. Spending Friday night watching Bill Maher with them is fine with me. I miss Amanda. More than I normally do. This semester has been hard without her. And I know it’s because I’m in a more vulnerable, lonely place than I have been the past few times she’s left after being home for a long time, and because she’s going to New Zealand this summer and for the fall semester and she might stay in Chicago before that and I would hardly see her.

And as much as I hate it, I continue to have the thought in the back of my head that I’m not going to prom. And I don’t even care that much, like I am not all that into the whole dance thing anyway, but I just want to get all dressed up in the dress I already have and have someone. But alas, my only hope is upon Nick having no other lady in his life when it rolls around. I will live though. And things are getting better about that. I’m doing that thing that I always do where it hurts too much to continue with the unreturned feelings, so they start to fade. He’s a good option right now, but I don’t think that is good enough to build a relationship. He can just continue to be one of my best friends. I don’t think Madam will ever stop expecting us to get together though…

SSA is going really well. It’s overwhelming at times though. Mostly because it’s hard to set up all of this community service. I apparently can’t read a calender so I messed up the date I thought was finally going to work. And it’s just hard. I feel like no one takes it as seriously as I do; they’re mostly just there to make jokes and eat donuts. And I feel so much pressure to make this club successful. I can’t have the administration watch me fail. And I can’t face everyone at SSA and KCAC and everyone else who’s been so helpful. It will work out though, I just need to get my bearings.

I am fucking afraid for the fate of the United States. But I have one hundred percent decided. If Rick Santorum becomes the President of the United States, I will be going to college in Canada. I should probably start looking for my back up plan. I just cannot even bear the idea of the man representing my nation being a sexist, homophobic, philistine, manipulative, anti separation of church and state, idiot. It’s mostly the sexist part that does it for me.

So I’m mostly okay. The things I have to complain about are small, it’s just me not getting exactly what I want. And that bothers me. I need the weather to get nicer though, so I can resume Tennis Wednesdays with Melissa. But most importantly, I need to remind myself of my standards, and every time I feel like something is wrong with me because I am single and sometimes lonely, I am going to remind myself of the things I like about myself and how that translates into the man I deserve, who frankly, is not a high school student. But I think I am considerate, and intelligent, and pretty, and sometimes funny, and nonjudgmental, and understanding, and I think I would make a damn good girlfriend. Because I am already a very devoted friend. So when it works out, it works out. Until then, I can continue going on dates with Trisha, talking about crushes like a little girl, and crying when I’m sad about being lonely as long as I remember how nice it is to be accountable to myself and only myself and be able to do exactly what I want when I want to.

And when Amanda comes home for Spring break, things will be fantastically perfect. And things could be even better if I get a chance to see Elizabeth over break. I am going to make March a good month.

Starting a Secular Student Alliance at my school is going to be a huge pain in the ass. I feel intimidated by my schools administration and discouraged by how few skeptics I feel there are at my school. I shan’t quit though. I put in some serious leg work today, and I’m proud of myself. I want some sort of secular comeraderie. I want to put myself out there even more as a PROUD atheist and humanist. I want to be able to kindly say “Fuck you” to Rachel Schisler and every other hypocrite Christians who avoids me because I wont go to FCA.
….and I also want to put it on a college application.

Number 10.. where are you? People keep telling me to just be patient, not to fret, and that it’ll happen soon. But I am not patient. I do fret. And it sure as hell doesn’t seem to be happening. I understand I’m a lot to handle, a little hyper, and maybe even intimidating, but I’m not changing while I’m waiting for courage to grow. Just becoming ever more frustrated, cranky, and discouraged. Seemingly less desirous. Goddam vicious cycle.

I don’t care if my feminism bothers you. Quite frankly, my necessity for it frustrates me immensly. Stop trying to silence me by saying it’s annoying. Your blatent disregard and disrespect for 51% of the world’s population is unacceptable.
Oh, and jokes really only make things worse.

And on a far less frustrated note, today I came to the realization that I am finally without ties, attachment, want, etc.. of any man I know. Kathy asked me today if it would bother me if she went for coffee with Cole, and my legitimate first thought was “Cole who?” He’s so completely off my radar. I have the complete upper hand. It is such a beautiful and empowering thing to now look at all these men who I used to idealize, who were ‘out of my league’ as Aditya would say, and laugh at them, find them to be ridiculous, and all with the most amiable feelings possible. I have no ill will for any of them. Untethered. At least by those self-destructive, unreturned relationships I have been so fond of these last 3 or so years. And Kathy, it means so much to me that you asked. I think you may have been the first person to acknowledge my former resentment of him as a perfectly valid feeling without me telling you explicitly how I felt first. Thank you, my wonderful and considerate best friend.

And also, I forgot I had a tattoo yesterday in the shower and thought I had a spider on my back. Oh the things winter does to you.